Welcome! I’m so glad you could join me – looking at one of my favourite topics – writing your vows.
What better way to share with your partner exactly what they mean to you than on your wedding day – in my favourite part of any wedding – the ceremony.
Yes, there’s a legal requirement when it comes to vows: “I AB take you CD to be my legal wife (or husband)” or words to similar effect) – but the wonderful thing is – you can build on that (if you want to).
Now, that’s a really important point – IF you want to. You don’t need to, because by law in New Zealand, you just have to agree to marry the other person (therefore, entering this marriage on your own free will), and that you say those few legal words (using their full name and saying what your intent is – “I take you to be my wife…”. So, everything else is up to you!
Some people might think that anything extra is superfluous to the basics, and just fluff. And what I say to them – don’t be a bore. You say what YOU want to say, but never allow anyone else to make you feel bad for the vows you are writing – no matter how long or short you make them!
You might like to add just a couple of extra lines to the legal line, or a couple of extra paragraphs. It’s inevitably up to you.
So, why do we share vows?
As I mentioned before, there is a legal aspect to vows, but what the actual word vow means is – “to make a solemn promise”; or to “dedicate to someone or something”.
For some people who don’t attend a lot of weddings, they may still think that you have to say the classic words:
“to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part…”
However, I could count on one hand how many people have chosen those vows. And, the ones who did choose them – it was beautiful, and it meant so much to them. Those same words had been shared in their parents’ marriage, grandparents, great grandparents – and tradition means a lot to them. And it worked for them.
But I want to let you know – if you don’t want to say those words, you don’t have to!
So, where do you start?
Firstly, you don’t need to be creative; you don’t need to be a big old romantic; you just need to think about what your partner means to you, and the promises (ie: vows) you’d like to make to them.
So, here’s what I say to the couples I marry, when they don’t know where to start: I suggest they might like to take notes on their phone – every time they think of something they’d like to say to their partner.
- What your partner means to you
- How your partner makes you feel
- Some humour – if that’s your style
- Your favourite quote to wrap it all up
- And, then, after a while you’ll have a nice list of things that you and your celebrant could then turn into vows.
If you’re still struggling with finding some words to say – listen to some music – the kind of music that makes you think about the person you’re going to marry. Music is an emotive tool I use all the time to get myself into a certain frame of mind.
Many celebrants will help you in writing your vows, or even offer a list of suggestions to take inspiration from. Remember, your celebrant is there to guide you, so don’t be shy in asking for help.
How to format your vows
Here’s some examples of the way you might like to format your vows.
- Essay structure
- Free flowing
- Winging them
- Traditional or set vows
- Just the legal line
1. Essay structure
- The intro: could be ‘from the moment I saw you in line at McDonalds after a night out…”
- Some words about what they mean to you
- Some promises/vows you might like to share with them
- Share your favourite love quote from poetry or song
- Conclusion – the legal line
2. Free flowing – where you just write out a stream of consciousness (and somehow weaving in the legal bit)
3. Winging them – Please don’t “wing” them. You may be the most confident person I’ve ever met, but you might just get the first mind blank of your life, so please consider not winging them. (You could write a few notes/bullet points to ad-lib from, if you really wanted to, though)
4. (and 5) Traditional, set vows + Just the legal line – you can just let your celebrant know you’d just like this.
Other ways to get ideas for your vows
Your marriage celebrant has no doubt shared with you a file of vow ideas (or will – if I’m your celebrant and you haven’t received them from me yet haha) and these ideas could be a good base to build your vows on.
You might like to take a line from one of the vows, mix it with one from another vow, and put in a line of your own. My point is – your vows are exactly what you want to do; what you want to say to your partner.
⁃ so, I encourage you to work with your celebrant on your vows. That’s what we’re here for!
⁃ Using resources offered by your celebrant
⁃ Wedding websites
Tips on how to say them
- Either from a piece of card or from the celebrants book/iPad
Here’s some examples of lines from “real life” vows.
This is to show you how different everyone’s vows are…
“You are my jigsaw puzzle piece, the part that was missing and the part that brought it all together.”
“I promise to always choose us and put our relationship first
I promise to always be on the same team and stand united
I promise to help you grow, and to grow alongside you
I promise to always put your chocolate in the fridge”
“I fell in love with you because you wanted to know what my favourite colour was and how I liked my coffee.
I fell in love with you because you remembered what my favourite cake was and then you bought me six.”
“You’ve shown me that the most valuable thing we have is time and I want to share my time with you.”
“Words have never been my thing. Still I wanted to rewrite the end of my favorite movie, but it turns out I can’t even name 10 things I hate about you.”
Poetry
I mentioned earlier that you might like to include poetry or song lyrics into your vows. Anything that adds something more is always beautiful.
For example, at the end of our vows, my husband said one of his favourite Pearl Jam lyrics to me: “We were but stones, your light made us stars.”
Or, you could go for something you heard on television. I haven’t quite finished what’s quickly turning into my all-time-favourite programme- Schitt’s Creek; but there was a line in Season 4, Episode 12 where Patrick says to David: “You’re my Mariah Carey.” I mean, if anyone said that to me, I’d be a mess!
Ok, moving on…
So, I’ve given you some ideas about what to include in your vows, but you’re thinking, it’s not the content I’m struggling with – it’s the nerves!
I get it! Public speaking is one of life’s biggest fears, so anxiety might be quite high on your list at the moment.
- First of all, don’t overthink it.
- Be prepared. I suggest making sure you’ve written your vows (as opposed to winging them)
- Perhaps you’d like your vows as “repeat after me” – where the celebrant says one line and you repeat it
- Another reason that people get anxious is: they don’t want to cry while reading them. Just so you know, at a wedding – everyone cries. So, if you cry, you’re crying along with everyone else
- Remember, that the person you’re speaking these vows to – you really like them! In fact, you love them, and that’s why you’re marrying them. Just focus on them, and speak directly to that person, forget about everyone else. Feel excited that they’ll finally hear the words you’ve pondered over and written just for them.
- Finally, try not to rush through. Take it one line at a time.
Final few things
There were a couple of people who messaged me, as they knew they wouldn’t be able to make this LIVE, so here are some answers for you:
Do your vows have to be the same?
No, they could be as different as chalk and cheese – UNLESS you’ve opted for the same vows, of course.
Do your vows have to be the same length as your partners?
No, they don’t. Remember, there really are no rules when it comes to writing vows except for the legal part.
So, one could be quite short, and the other longer. It’s really up to you as a couple, and this could be something you could chat about together. Do we want them to be the same length? Do we want the same format? Is it OK if mine are twice as long as yours? etc
Your celebrant may mention that one is a couple of lines long, and one is two pages, but that’s them doing their job (as they want your day to go your way) and wouldn’t want you to say after the wedding that yours was ten times longer than your partners.
Do we share our vows with each other before the ceremony?
That’s completely up to you. Often, it’s one of the only surprises you get on your wedding day, so you might like to keep them close to your heart until you share them with your partner.
Do you have to remember them?
No. Your celebrant will have them there for you.
Can they be funny?
They can be anything! Funny is FUN.
